We Learn to Survive by Adapting.

Somewhere along the way, we learned to change ourselves to feel safe and stay connected. But in trying not to lose others, we can slowly lose ourselves.

And sometimes, the ways we learned to survive follow us into our adult relationships.

01

Abuse or Trauma

Perhaps there was violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, coercion, intimidation, manipulation or experiences that made home or other places feel unsafe.

Survival can look like freezing, appeasing, staying quiet, disconnecting from feelings or learning to tolerate behaviour that doesn’t feel right.

02

Chaos or Unpredictability

Maybe moods changed without warning. There was fighting, addiction, instability, explosive anger, separation, or simply never knowing what version of someone would walk through the door.

Survival can look like reading the room, anticipating other people’s moods, keeping the peace, walking on eggshells and becoming highly alert to the smallest change in someone.

03

Emotional Neglect

Sometimes nobody was overtly cruel. But comfort, affection, protection or emotional support simply weren’t there when they were needed.

Survival can look like hiding needs, becoming fiercely independent, struggling to ask for help or accepting emotional distance as normal.

04

Conditional Love and Approval

Love or approval may have felt easier to receive when you good, successful, helpful, agreeable - or didn’t cause too much trouble.

Survival can look like people-pleasing, perfectionism, over-giving avoiding disappointment and measuring worth through other people’s approval.

05

Growing Up too Soon

Perhaps you became the responsible one - the helper, caretaker, mediator, emotional support person or the one everyone can rely on.

Survival can look like over-functioning, taking responsibility for everyone else, finding it difficult to receive and feeling safest when you’re the one holding everything together.