Why Do I Keep Losing Myself in Relationships?

28 Sept

You’re smart. You’re capable. You run your own life.

And then you get into a relationship and somehow find yourself analysing a three-word text message like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

Is he annoyed?
Did I say something?
Should I bring it up?
Maybe I’m overreacting.

Meanwhile, you’ve forgotten to yourself the obvious question:

What do I think?

This is the strange thing about losing yourself in a relationship. It happens inch by inch and you don’t really notice it happening.

There’s no dramatic Tuesday afternoon where you announce:

“Right. From this point forward I shall abandon all my needs and organise my emotional life around another human being.”

But somewhere along the line, you let something go.

Then something else….to avoid his reaction and discomfort.

You don’t say what you really think because you can already predict the reaction.

You decide it’s not worth bringing up.

You tell yourself you’re being understanding.

You compromise.

And then, without really noticing, you compromise on the compromise.

You become an expert in them

You get very good at reading the room.

Their face. Their tone.

The little things…like the way they put their keys down.

Whether that full stop at the end of a text was simply punctuation or apparently the beginning of World War III.

You know when something is off before a word has been spoken.

You probably haven’t noticed but your attention starts moving outward.

What mood are they in?

Is now a good time to say this? Maybe I should wait for a better time and pick my words carefully.

How can I word it so they don’t take it the wrong way?

Maybe I should just leave it. They’re tired and stressed. I’m being selfish!

And without realising it, you become an expert in them. You have too, it becomes the best way to manage the connection within the relationship.

You are totally and keenly aware of their moods, their needs, their triggers, their history.

While becoming progressively less fluent in you. It’s funny how our discomfort becomes the new normal.

I know this one because I’ve done it

I was perfectly capable of running a business, making big decisions and managing my own life.

Yet in a relationship, I yet somehow I became completely preoccupied with my ex-fiance’s emotional temperature.

And the really interesting part?

I knew when something didn’t feel right. I was chasing the connection at the expense of myself. Sticking it out…because I loved him.

I wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t oblivious…But knowing something and acting on what I knew were two very different things.

I could explain away behaviour I wouldn’t have recommended another woman tolerate. I could tell myself I was being understanding when, actually, I was moving my own line again.

And after our relationship imploded, the fact I did these things again, fascinated me.

How can an intelligent, capable woman know something isn’t working for her — and still override herself to preserve the relationship?

That’s a much more interesting question that our well meaning friends ask:

“Why didn’t you just leave?”

Maybe “people-pleasing” doesn’t explain enough

We love a labels…” I’m a People-pleaser”, “I have poor boundaries”, “I’m too accommodating”, I Need to learn to say no”.

And sometimes those descriptions are useful.

But they don’t necessarily explain why you’re doing it.

Because if some part of you has learned that keeping connection means adapting, appeasing, staying quiet or making yourself smaller, knowing what a boundary is may not be the problem….You probably already know.

You may know exactly what you want to say. You may have rehearsed it seventeen times in the shower.

But then the moment arrives...and you can’t stop yourself from saying “No, it’s fine.”

Even though it was not, in fact, fine.

So telling yourself to “have better boundaries” can completely miss the point.

The interesting question is:

Why do I abandon my boundary when connection feels threatened?

Knowing better doesn’t always mean doing differently

This is something I think we get wrong when we talk about changing relationship patterns. We assume that if you understand something intellectually, you should simply be able to change it. Change the thought. Make a better decision. Say the boundary. Choose differently.

Except human beings aren't quite that tidy.

You can consciously know:

I don’t like this…And still stay quiet.

You can think:

This relationship isn't good for me….And still feel pulled towards it.

You can know:

I need to say no…And hear yourself saying yes.

That gap between what we know and what we actually do is where things get interesting. Because that's where the pattern lives. And beating yourself up for having the pattern doesn't change it. Understanding it gives you somewhere to start.

So how do you stop losing yourself?

Not by becoming someone who never compromises. Not by turning every preference into a boundary. And certainly not by sticking I CHOOSE ME on the bathroom mirror and hoping your unconscious mind gets the memo.

It starts much smaller.

You begin noticing yourself again. The moment you want to say no but feel yourself preparing to say yes. The moment you start explaining away something that hurt. The moment your attention leaves “How do I feel about this?” and moves immediately to “How are they going to react?” The moment you start making yourself smaller to keep the connection intact.

Because you can't change a pattern you can't see. And once you can see it, you can begin doing something different.

You don’t have to disappear to be loved

The goal isn't to become fiercely independent and need nobody. That’s not connection either.

The goal is being able to remain connected to yourself while you’re connected to somebody else.

To hear your own voice. To recognise what you need. To trust what you feel. To compromise without disappearing. To love someone without leaving yourself behind.